


Self-Destruction and Security

by Skysquid22



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 16:30:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13617225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skysquid22/pseuds/Skysquid22
Summary: Barba realizes his love for Sonny and after a year of waiting he acts on it.





	Self-Destruction and Security

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OblivionCastro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OblivionCastro/gifts).



> For my dear friend Kayla,  
> Thank you for being so sweet and supportive and kind and nice and lovely and great and beautiful and amazing and funny.  
> I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for being you.  
> Happy birthday.  
> —Sky
> 
> Also huge thank you to Barbaesparza for proofreading this!

“Fuck…I feel I’ve been hit by a car.” 

Carisi stood before him waiting for his own Uber to arrive, he glanced up quickly at him and asked, “I’m sorry?” concern and confusion coloring his face. 

“I--” He started then stopped, “nevermind.” 

The detective didn’t question any further, he looked back at his phone seemingly content with the non answer.

It was late, Carisi was shadowing him and offered that they continue their work at some hole in the wall restaurant he knew about. Initially Rafael wanted to turn down the offer. At his office, it was more comfortable for him, he was confident he could get more work done. But something compelled him to say yes.

That was happening a lot recently, he _wanted_ to say ‘yes’ to Sonny. Even before, he not so reluctantly agreed to have him shadow him on this case in the first place. 

Rafael was expecting Sonny capitalize on the familiarity of the restaurant and transition into a story about one of his sisters or something else along that caliber. No, he stayed focused and ate quietly chiming in every once in awhile to comment on the case or ask a question. 

He felt… _disappointed._ Disappointed in the fact he didn’t use that time to talk about his family or life in general for at least a minute. Rafael was craving that small interaction and Carisi learned to think that he didn’t want any of it.

_No._ He didn’t want any of it.   
Did he?

“Shit.”

“You know you haven’t said anything since we left your office, except for swearing here. You alright there Counselor?” 

He rubbed the bridge of his nose and decided to let himself open up a little more. “Yeah I’m fine… just… _tired._ ”

Carisi pocketed his phone and turned slightly to face him. His hair swayed slightly in the bitter breeze. “Well our Ubers should get here soon. Go get some sleep Counselor.” 

Rafael smirked. “Thanks for the advice Dr. Carisi.” He parroted from earlier. “How’s night school by the way?” Rafael internally reasoned for his friendliness that if Sonny didn’t want to instigate it he might as well do it. 

Unsurprisingly enough Carisi blushed a little and turned away, “Well, it’s night school.” He said jokingly.

Rafael huffed in understanding. Neither of them continued the conversation after that. 

He couldn’t tell how long he’d been feeling this, he’d only come to the conclusion that he truly liked the dork earlier this evening and even then his mind had tried desperately for the past hour or so to come up with an explanation. Twice now had he come to this conclusion and attempted to deny it. 

Shall we go again?

Carisi flagged down his car and waited for it to come over, then turned to Rafael, “Hey, thanks for paying for the food by the way. Glad we could do this.” 

It sounded suspiciously like something someone would say at the end of a date, if that were the case though it was a fairly crappy date. He seemed to realize odd wording and backtracked.

“Well, uhm, not--” He sighed, “You know.”

Rafael’s phone started to ring, having put it on silent earlier right before they’d left the office. He wasn’t sure why he did that either. The number was an unknown, but he knew who was on the other end of the line. Every once in awhile he answered and didn’t know his motive for doing so. He held it up to Sonny like he had to take it. 

Sonny nodded and walked to his car and opened the door. He waited a moment then turned around, “Really though, thanks.” He smiled and Rafael learned where the sun got its name.

As the car drives off he could feel regret seeping into him, poisoning every organ it touches. He could hear a threat against his life on the other end, no doubt some paid man to do it. 

_“...and It’ll be a pleasure to see you die. I’ll bet that no one is going to stay at your funeral for long. Have fun rotting in your grave Barba.”_

_Click._

The line went dead. 

The wind, that a minute ago was so graciously messing up Carisi’s hair, was now just passing through him. 

\---- 

“The threats started after I indicted the three cops who shot Terrence Reynolds.” He cowered further in his seat and avoided eye contact with both Carisi and Rollins. 

After that case the threats never let up, you’d think they would have something better to do than waste their time spitting word after word about how much blood is going to stain his carpet, but no. A year later a man met him in person, twice, to tell him what he was already telling him over the phone for months. 

Rollins left, Carisi stayed behind, still sitting on his desk like he owned the place. Rafael really should have got mad at him, he really should have. But he couldn’t bring himself to fight back at the moment.

He was just so tired of it all. 

Tired of the threats, tired of his job sometimes, tired of still falling over Carisi even when he was betrayed by him.

It probably wasn’t that long that Carisi talked to him, the words were muddled, he couldn’t hear him. Rollins swung in to notify him that they had to go. 

Still fuming, Carisi slid off his desk and headed for the door. Before he walked out he stared back at Rafael, the first time he’d actually held eye contact for this meeting.

“I passed the Bar by the way.” His face was red and hurt. _Betrayed._

Rafael figured as much, Liv once said to him that Carisi saw him as a mentor which took him awhile to wrap his head around. He was a _terrible_ mentor. Regardless, Sonny chose him to bounce ideas off of, to ask questions, to shadow. 

So for a year, while Rafael discovered his feelings ran deeper for the man than he thought, he came to realize that Carisi didn’t share the same feelings for him. It would only ever be a mentorship and then someday he’d be an ADA. All but forget about him, well perhaps he’d remember the ending to their story.

As soon as the door slammed he doubled over and rubbed at his face, desperately quelling his emotion. 

Why did he let it go so far? Why didn’t he ever ask for at least more shared meals? Why didn’t he tell them all sooner about the threats?

Well he knew for the last question. Holding in his feelings was his wheelhouse and a protective detail would ruin any chance of a non-existent relationship, not like that extra time ended up helping him. But only if he told them as soon as the threats started maybe Carisi wouldn’t have been so disappointed in him.

Further work or trains of thought stopped there. He wanted to go home. No. He wanted to go somewhere safe. 

He stayed in his office for as long as he could, the same thoughts circling his head like vultures. But eventually he left, finding a officer right outside his building. 

“Mr. Barba?” The short man barked.

“Hmm.” 

“Mr. Carisi sent me to be your guard for tonight. 8 AM is when my shift ends. Contact Carisi if you have any problems with any of your officers alright?” 

Rafael stood and stared, dumbfounded at what he heard. “Uh. Yes, of course.”

He didn’t mean to, but he rushed upstairs to his apartment. He almost slammed his door, but he made sure to lock it. 

Leaning against the door he tried to wrap his head around _why._ His phone buzzed against his thigh, he hoped that it was Carisi, but it was another unknown. He ignored it as he sagged to the floor.

\--- 

The next few days weren’t any better. He woke up to multiple messages from many different people telling him that Mike Dodds had died. Many from Olivia. A few from Rollins and Fin then a string from Carisi.

_1:23 am_  
>Hey. I took care of your protective detail  
3:01 am  
>So I’m sure you’ve heard the news. Most likely from liv  
3:11 am  
>i’m so sorry i yelled at you. I’m sorry for bothering you constantly 

The remaining few were from the unknown number. He didn’t bother checking those anymore. 

The next few days seemed to blur together for how fast they went. One day all of the threats stopped, no texts, no hangups, nothing. He suspected Carisi was behind it since he cared enough to get a protective detail on him even though a close coworker had died. Sonny also continued to text him details of who was threatening him. Rafael got the name of a suspect. 

The ceremony felt short, the wake wasn’t.

Rafael sat alone in a bar.

That wasn’t unusual nowadays, but he was surrounded by people. Cops to be specific. They moved solemnly in their black and gold like a river of oil. Everyone was in their own conversations talking about Dodds and how great he was. There was even an empty spot right next to him, which no one took.

Every once in awhile he’d catch some cop with a face like any other staring at him before looking away. Even when he didn’t catch them in the act he could feel their eyes on them anyway. Perhaps it was more of his fear and anxiety making him overreact. 

Regardless he did what everyone else did. Think about the tiny interactions he had with Dodds and sipped at his scotch. 

To his right he heard someone slip into the chair next to him. He turned and faced Carisi who looked solemn in his uniform. He hadn’t seen him since he had stormed out of his office.

“Hey.” Rafael greeted and shifted in his seat to face him better. 

Carisi took a deep breath. “Hello. First, I wanna apologize.--”

_“Carisi.”_

“I know, but I said some awful things. I shouldn’t have gone off on you.” He looked Rafael dead in the eye when he said it. 

Rafael’s response was to order some shots. “Maybe. But I kinda deserved it.”

“How so? You don’t deserve all those threats on your life, let alone my own yelling.”

He leaned against the bartop, “I don’t know. I feel like I deserve it, for maybe keeping it in this long.”

Carisi shook his head and laid his hand on the table. Not an invitation by any means but it was close enough for either of them to brush their fingertips together. “I know I was mad at you the other day,” he swallowed, “but I understand why you didn’t tell anyone.”

Did he?  
Did he know that Rafael tried not to tell anyone because he was worried that their relationship would end before it could start? Certainly not the only reason, but he doubted that Carisi knew about that one.

After a few beats of silence the shots arrived and Rafael forced himself into a brighter mood. 

Sonny turned to face him, he hunched over to lower himself and make Rafael more comfortable, “Counselor, just--just so you know. We haven’t arrested Heredio yet, but we have units posted on his block.”

That made him smile. 

Even within all the recent chaos, he still tracked down the man who was causing Rafael grief. 

“I’m not worried. Not in here.”

It was a complete lie. In this room he wasn’t sure if he ever felt less safe, at least not in years. Sonny was smart, he hoped he could read between the lines and see that, _yes I am worried, but not with you._

_You make me feel safe._

They both reached for their shot glasses and toasted. Never breaking eye contact.

Carisi said, “Cheers.” as they lifted the shot to their lips. The alcohol burned, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. 

Sonny excused himself and headed back to his table. Rollins and Fin were there talking mournfully to each other, Liv nowhere in sight. Rafael turned back around and considered throwing down the rest of his drink and ordering another scotch. Before he could decide Sonny was back at his side.

“What--did you even sit down--”

He pulled the stool closer and sat down. “I’ll have whatever he’s having.”

Rafael quickly said his order to the bartender and went back to questioning Carisi, “What are you doing.”

He adjusted in his seat, “I don’t think anyone should be alone at a time like this. I know you’ll probably tell me to go sit with Liv, Amanda, and Fin, but no one is sitting with you.”

“And, what, you can’t have that happen?”

“Forgive me for saying this, but you seem pretty lonely.”

“I’m sorry?” Rafael sputtered. 

Carisi’s face pinched, “Look, you’ve been sitting here all alone the entire time and I think maybe part of the reason you kept the threats secret was because you had no one to talk to. I’ve started to reflect on things and, maybe I wasn’t a very good coworker or friend to you for that. I knew about it and I did nothing.”

Rafael was completely stunned. He wet his lips, “Tell you what. You can make it all up to me if you buy this round of drinks.”

Carisi smiled, “Sure thing Counselor.”

“Carisi.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t call me Counselor.”

He sipped at the scotch, “Well what do you want me to call you? Barba? Rafael?”

The way Sonny said the syllables with that endearing accent of his made him internally pleased. “Rafael is fine.”

“Alright, but as long as you call me Sonny.”

“Hmm… I take it back you can only call me Barba.”

“Only? Nothing else? What if I called you the best damn ADA I’ve seen?”

“Well now you’re just fishing for compliments.” Rafael hid his smile and blush under his glass of scotch.

Sonny took a sip as well noting the taste and color, “I hope this isn’t expensive.” He mumbled.

“Kinda. I would’ve gotten a pricier one if I knew you were paying.”

“Hey. _Thanks._ ”

Rafael didn’t bother hiding his smile. “You’re welcome.”

\---

They chatted and chatted and chatted until they could barely speak anymore. They hardly got themselves drunk at all. But Rafael had to admit he was right, Carisi did claim that all this talking would have them not even finish their drinks.

They both found themselves so wrapped in each other’s worlds that they neglected where they were. At Sergeant Dodds’ funeral. They quieted and looked around. Almost everyone had left.

“We should get going.”

Rafael tried to pay the tab, but Carisi refused vehemently. So he gave up that. They stepped outside to the cold and looked around. 

He had a flashback to a year ago. On a night like this, no one around them, the wind in the air disheveling Carisi’s hair and Rafael was looking at himself wondering about the consequences of the action he really wanted to take. 

Sonny turned to him, “I guess this is goodbye Barba.” He looked sick at the thought. 

Rafael looked around quickly and leaned in, not for a kiss, no. He leaned in and wrapped his arms around what he could. Carisi went still for a brief second before snapping like a string. They melted into each other, holding on tight to their respective lifelines. 

Rafael could smell his cologne and aftershave and no doubt the other man could smell his too.

“Come home with me.” Rafael said somewhere around his shoulder.

“What?” Carisi said softly into the bitter air.

“You said it yourself, no one should be alone at a time like this.”

“Barba… you--we’re both a little too drunk and emotionally compromised for this.”

“Yeah? Maybe so. But I’m not drunk, you know that. And you aren’t either. You know that too.” He waited a beat, but Sonny stayed in his arms. “You don’t have to. It’s your choice, but it is an offer.” Rafael pulled back and looked into his sorrowful eyes, “It’s yours if you want it.”

Sonny smiled, just like that night. Though it wasn’t a happy smile. “God. I wish I could kiss you.”

“I know why you can’t, I appreciate you thinking of me.” Rafael joked. 

He pulled back further, but still stayed in orbit and rubbed at his forearms. Letting out a strangled sigh he finally looked into his eyes, “Your security personnel is gonna be pleased.”

“Should you or I call them off for the ride home?”

“The officers outside are gonna notice that I was in there the entire night.” Carisi ignored him. His mind and gaze now somewhere off in the distance. 

Rafael pulled his coat tighter around him. “Let’s just go. I can notify them that Detective Carisi is escorting me home.”

“Wow. I am such a gentleman.” 

Rafael smirked, “Just don’t go holding doors open for me.”

\----

Afterwards they were both quiet. Their labored breathing was now the only sound in the apartment and neither of them bothered to get up to clean.

Now that Sonny was no longer worrying about getting Barba’s clothes off as fast as possible he was able to take note of his bedroom.

He lay exhausted on silk navy sheets. Small personal items littered every shelf, ties and jackets were stacked on top of eachother on the chair in the corner of the room. Old textbooks and new novels were also laid open on a desk, he wouldn’t doubt there was more of that in his living room. He also spied a picture of Barba and what he assumed to be his mother and grandmother respectively on the dresser at the opposite end of the room.

_Whoops._

“I can hear you thinking. It’s too loud.” 

Sonny turned his head to see Barba looking intently at him, his eyes looked glossy, but he knew that was just a trick of the moonlight streaming in through the window almost right above them. The pale gray accented the hard and soft lines of his face, making him look ethereal. Sonny also noticed that Barba was doing the same thing to him, his eyes studied him hard.

“Can you promise me something?” Barba whispered quieter than a butterfly flapping his wings.

Sonny leaned in and got a little closer, turning onto his side watching him carefully, “Okay.”

They remained silent longer, Barba continued to see right through him and Sonny listened to the soft hum of a machine somewhere in the apartment.

“Don’t leave.”

Sonny knew what he really meant by that, he could see it in his eyes. All the pain and misery was now back on their minds and all Barba was thinking was if Sonny was there at that house and not Dodds. 

It was an impossible promise to make, one that he couldn’t in good conscience agree to. But he could assure something different, something he knew Barba was also saying. Sonny could read between the lines.

“I promise I won’t.” 

Barba smiled, soft and sweet not a trace of malice or confusion, they both understood each other. He then leaned in and kissed Sonny delicately, with a tenderness he had never felt--- _seen_ before. 

The pair, wrapped tightly in each other’s embrace, wanted to fall asleep but knew they couldn’t. Nightmares or the need to talk about it all would take priority and spill forth from their lips in the coming hours.


End file.
